Green

Nature lover
Climbing the trees,
Smoking some weed,
Flying without falling ‘cause
I got my clover with me and
I let the dollars outside the peace.

Dazed and confused
With two pieces of cucumber
On my green makeup eyes
I’m fresh like the baby frog in bog
Eating avocado paste over my salad
Of small apples and sweet kiwi.

Hippie lifestyle
High like the mountain
With grass under my feet
Abounding in green peas flowers
Refreshing my mind, lying down.

Free like a crocodile
With love in my heart
Breezy’s love for everything
Led by the green chakra inside me
Smiling to every beautiful detail of life.

Reclame

15 gânduri despre „Green

      1. Great! I’ll get right to it. I’ve wanted to critique people’s poetry for so long and haven’t really had a legitimate way to. You’ll be my guinea pig *evil manic laughter*.

        But I promise I’ll be nice.

        Apreciat de 1 persoană

  1. I liked this piece. It was easy to digest, had some nice motifs, and played with words. Solid.

    Here’s some criticism:
    Introduction/first stanza are somewhat casual. Could be more dramatic or more gentle, one direction or the other–unless you’re going for that sort of stoner-gangster style, in which case it fits. The words just aren’t too sharp and pointy, which I feel like they should be. They seem rounded.

    Good soft rhymes. Have you considered making a pattern throughout the whole piece out of it? E.g. xAAxxA? (which is the pattern in the first stanza).

    Nice cucumber metaphor. I have no idea what it means lol.

    frog in the*/a* bog?

    Word selection throughout the piece (and this is in no way meant to be insulting) is simple. Simple can be a good thing. If that’s what you’re going for, power to you. But on the flip-side, if you want more sophistication, consider replacing words like „some” with „quantities”, „small” with „bijou” or „minute,” „smiling” with „beaming” or „grinning”.

    Also consider that entire metaphors can be substituted for simple verbs. Too complicated and the reader can get lost, though.

    Not sure how you feel about cliches, but „high like the mountain” was a bit so, as were some of the other phrases in the piece. It’s a balancing act, uniqueness vs just getting the message across.

    „With grass under my feet” was very good execution of the pot motif.

    I have NEVER heard the phrase „free like a crocodile”. Bravo.

    Is the narrator’s name Breezy? I love mysterious clues about the narrator slipped in seamlessly.

    Great job!

    Apreciat de 1 persoană

Lasă un răspuns

Completează mai jos detaliile tale sau dă clic pe un icon pentru a te autentifica:

Logo WordPress.com

Comentezi folosind contul tău WordPress.com. Dezautentificare /  Schimbă )

Fotografie Google

Comentezi folosind contul tău Google. Dezautentificare /  Schimbă )

Poză Twitter

Comentezi folosind contul tău Twitter. Dezautentificare /  Schimbă )

Fotografie Facebook

Comentezi folosind contul tău Facebook. Dezautentificare /  Schimbă )

Conectare la %s